How do you know Me?

I was talking with a friend the other day about self-awareness….

I’m a HUGE self analyzer but I think I get it wrong a lot!

A lot.

I’m thinking back to High School now.  (Seems like thats easy right now with my entire high school catching up to Facebook).  My junior year I was about 5′4 (maybe) and weighed in the 130’s (i was a wrestler).  I also lifted in the 250 – 275 range -  bench press.  In other words….I was freaking strong!!!!

You know what….I thought I was fat!

Seriously…I probably had close to zero body fat… but you couldn’t tell me that.  I think I had crossed over to a bad place of self-awareness.  The place where the bulemics are and the anorexics rest. I understand how that happens because I think I was addicted to losing weight.

(The people around me would have never guessed I thought that about myself – at least I think not…..I’ll come back to that).

Not long ago…(Not at all) I was hovering in the 230lb area.  Im now about 5′9 -’10 for those who don’t know me.

Funny…..I didn’t see myself as fat..Just the opposite affect.  I look at pictures and see it but I look in the mirror and yeah,  I had a little gut…but not that bad over all.  I mean,  I was still athletic when I needed to be.

I suck when it comes to being aware of how I really am; or how others perceive me.  Don’t get me wrong.  I can judge YOU in a heartbeat.  I can improve the world, just give me five minutes and then a few hours to think about it. (Ha!)

Maybe, I’m too self-critical  then other times, not self-critical enough.  Anyways…..beside the point.

I’ve been reading one  blog for a couple of years now……. he’s growing in popularity and I won’t mention his name because …..well,  just because, really, its not about him.

For two years my opinion of him was:  He’s somewhat wise, learning, on the ball, etc.  But there was a brashness,  anger, resentment that came through his writing,  he tended to whine a lot (In my opinion)  and to be honest, his words said more than he would ever say directly to me

This is also beside the point…..but interesting  about 6 months to a year ago he slowly started to realize this himself but it took him a long time,  he is seriously growing up on my computer screen and dealing with his weakness, his anger,  he is truly an inspiration to me now, He continues to grow and grow.  wow.

-  I’ll bet there were times he was writing and never realized his “true” feelings were being presented even though he was trying to hold them back.  Interesting.  How often does that happen to me…I wonder?

The point is however is that we may never fully understand the perception that we give off about ourselves.  Others may have thought I was thin….not me. Others may have thought I was fat….not me.  We may think we are giving out a certain perception about us, but we may be WAY off base.  Don’t make quick judgments about yourself.  Think! Think! Think! Pray! Pray! Pray -  about who you are and how you are being perceived. Sometimes we need to self-improve….sometimes we need to give OURSELVES a break….

That hard for me to do, so it seems.

You know what?  It DOES matter what people think about you.  In fact,  I’m figuring out that it matters a lot when it comes to “Greater matters”.  It can make the difference of who is shining thru you – You or something else (somebody else even).  I hope it not my humanness coming through.  I hope I can lose that part.

Would someone have the guts to tell me how I truly am?  Hmmm….we will see…

~ by mccrit on June 12, 2008.